The ABC's of Marriage

What if marriage was really as simple as learning your ABC’s. Well, we have done just that for you. Check out the ABC’s of marriage.

A: Always say the nice things you're thinking. "Your hair looks really good today," or "Great job fixing the garbage disposal."

B: Be kind. Good manners make good marriages. You owe your spouse at least the kindness you give a stranger.

C: Consider the other person. The best marriages are when we put each other first. If you take care of each other, things will stay vibrant.

D: Dare to be different. Routine can suck the life out of a marriage. Go to different restaurants, take up a new hobby mid-life. Watch different shows. Drive different ways to church or the in-laws. Variety is the spice of life.

E: Each of you needs space to do your own thing. Do a lot of things together but leave room for alone time and for each of you to pursue interests that don’t excite your spouse.

F: Fight fair! I can’t stress this enough; cheap shots, finger-pointing, and name-calling plant seeds of resentment that bear fruit no one wants to eat, like pineapple in Jello. At the first sign of ugliness, it should be okay for either of you to call a timeout to cool things down.

G: Give, give, give! Give your time, attention, affection, and money. Spoil the person you love in as many ways as possible. Putting them first is at the heart of giving.

H: Healthy boundaries. We all get to say what we need to say, as long as it is done respectfully. We want couples to have a healthy sex life, but demeaning everything you want without acknowledging their comfort zone is unhealthy. Buy yourself that pizza but don’t buy yourself a car.

I: Icing your spouse out is never the best way to solve conflict. Communication is the number one problem marriages have. There is no way zero communication helps you out. Avoid the ice.

J: Join. Join a small group, a gym, a book club. Stagnation is the enemy of growth. Doing the same thing forever and ever is pretty darn hard to do.

K: Krispy Kreme, a surprise gift, even as simple as doughnuts, can put a smile on the face of the person you married. Keep what they love in the front of your mind, so when you see something is on that list, you can pick it up.

L: Love. This is the biggest slam dunk on the list. Love even when it’s hard, even when you aren’t feeling loved. Love is the water that grows the marriage.

M: Mondays; every marriage is filled with Mondays. Don’t judge the quality of your marriage because a Monday or two pops up. Always remember the good times. Celebrate them often. If they are alive in your memory and marriage, the Mondays won’t win.

N: Never give up! (See letter M)

O: Open up. Keeping thoughts and feelings inside and never letting your spouse know what you are thinking can be a catastrophe. Every share does not need to lead to a 2-hour conversation. Short, regular exchanges of information and feelings will do a world of good for your marriage.

P: Pray, pray, pray. I can't emphasize this enough. For the past 10 years, we have encouraged this habit, and it almost always has a positive impact. It isn’t magic fairy dust, but it starts the process of reconnecting couples.

Q: Quickly apologize when you mess up. Fall on your sword before you wind up stabbing someone with it. Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology.

R: Release your bitterness and anger. The people who choose to hang onto old issues and negative feelings have the same fights over and over. No one needs that kind of stress. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or acting like the wrong never happened. But you have to let go, or it will eat you and your marriage alive.

S: Sleep. I'll bet you had something else that happens in bed in mind. That's good too. Sleep-deprived couples don’t pay attention to details. They are crabby and irritable. They don’t have the energy to create new memories. We have 10 grandkids whom we love. We need sleep, before, during, and after they visit.

T: Trouble. When you marry, you will have trouble. Paul warns in 1 Corinthians 7:28. Don’t panic. It happens in EVERY marriage. You are not special, and you probably aren’t nearly as broken as you think. Learn to deal with it. Get some good conflict resolution tools, and you will be fine. Potholes exist on every road; good shock absorbers help you handle them.

U: Understanding. This goes hand in hand with T for trouble. His/her shoes may not fit very well, but you should walk a mile in them anyway. Every little bit helps you understand where they are coming from. That de-escalates fights and promotes reconciling afterward. Always look for ways to build understanding.

V: Victory. Not over each other but over life’s challenges. Don’t overlook little victories, or victories you barely squeak out. All victories count. Every challenge overcome as a team, as a couple, is worthy of celebrating. You will need a stockpile of small wins for when the big fights and the long battles are going on.

W: We. You are married; start using plural pronouns. You are in this together, with a partner, a teammate, a husband, or wife. Get used to it. It’s our house, our kids, and our future. We get to do life together.

X: X-Ray. Examine your marriage. Sometimes doctors can’t see a fracture until they take an x-ray. Go to marriage conferences, read marriage books, join marriage small groups. These are all things that help us take a look at ourselves.

Y: You. You are responsible for your behavior, not your parents, kids, or spouse. It’s not the church that hurt you, or the job that fired you. The sooner you stop pointing fingers at other people and draw a circle around yourself and work on everyone in the circle, the healthier your marriage will be. That goes, by the way, for me too.

Z: Zero in on what is going well and what you can do something about. What you focus on grows, and focusing on the good things can change your attitude about your relationship. Zeroing in on things you can affect can help solutions happen. If your attention is on what’s wrong with other people, things won't change, except to get more and more negative.

Now I know my ABC’s, and I can have a healthier, happier marriage. Thanks for taking a little time to read this.